“I didn’t want it to be awkward, so I didn’t…”
- causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with.
- causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience.
I really can’t count the times I’ve said this to myself.
“I didn’t want it to be awkward,” so…
I didn’t call.
I didn’t write.
I didn’t stop by.
I didn’t say anything.
It’s embarrassing really – awkward in itself actually. I hid behind this idea that I was really concerned about your feelings, but in truth, I was more concerned about how I would feel, than I was about you. I was afraid of it being awkward…for both of us.
And because I was afraid of it being awkward…I didn’t do anything.
And I’m sorry.
When I look at Jesus, when I watch Him, I see how He’s never afraid of it feeling or being awkward. (I mean, from the moment He was conceived – it was awkward!) He knew LOVE would be difficult – He knew it would be hard to do and deal with – that it might cause embarrassment and sometimes be inconvenient, but He did it anyway. Like that time He had to go through Samaria to meet the woman at the well. Or that time He chose to meet Nicodemus at night. Or that time He looked from the eyes of an adulterous woman into the eyes of a condemning crowd.
Or that time He forgave all of us on the cross.
It was all awkward, and yet He did it still.
So, if it was awkward for Jesus, why do I think it won’t be awkward for me?
I claim to be a follower of Jesus, and yet, I don’t do a very good job of loving like He does. I want to love others well – love them unconditionally – but I often fall short. I’m more concerned with self-preservation than I am about LOVE’s prompting.
And I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’m sorry I didn’t write or stop by. I’m sorry I failed to show you love, when that was what you needed most.
I’m sorry I let my fear of awkwardness prevent you from seeing and experiencing LOVE. I’m realizing now that LOVE is awkward and beautiful all at once. LOVE knows it will be hard to do – that sometimes it will be difficult, and embarrassing, and inconvenient. But it’s worth it. LOVE is always worth it.
I love you.
Can you forgive me?
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV