“Are You There?”

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God iswith you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. “I just wanted to be sure of you.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Every time I read this quote from Winnie-the-Pooh, it touches my heart. It makes me think of my son, who sometimes, after I have tucked him in bed and have made my way back to the living room to finish my TV show or read my book, hollers out, “Mom?”

“What do you need, Jacob?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to make sure you were still there. Can you leave the hallway light on?”

Can I be honest with you? Sometimes, I get annoyed when Jacob asks me this question.

I feel horrible about admitting that, but it’s the truth. Most times, I’m irritated because I’m so focused on myself and what I’m trying to accomplish, that I don’t want to be interrupted. And sometimes it’s just because I’m “done” – done with answering questions, done with picking up after everyone, done with a messy house, done with paying for lights left on when no one is in the room, done with myself…just…done.

So, my response is anything but gracious and giving. Huffy and puffy, I tromp down the hall and flip the switch, “There.”

“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

And that little voice breaks me. It breaks my selfishness and my huffy-puffy attitude, and reminds me how “big” my son thinks I am, and how small I often feel.

Humbled, I sigh. “I love you, too, baby.”

I wonder how many times our own “fleshy” reactions influence our image of God? How many times do we long to be reminded of God’s presence, but are afraid to ask because we fear He will react like we do? (I mean, He isrunning the universe here, it’s not like He’s just trying to get back to His TV show or a good book!) But I often wonder, how many times do our own feelings and our own responses shape in our mind what we think God must surely be thinking? And even though I know God LOVES to hear from me and be with me, sometimes, it’s hard to believe.

I wonder if I am the only one who sometimes wonders if God is “done” with me. Not “done” like in a good way – like, “Finally she’s got it!”, but more of a “done” like I get with my own kids, like, “Really? We need to have this conversation again?! I just told you this! You’re killing Me, Smalls!”

But I know that is not true.

For my God promises that He is with me, and for me. It pleases Him to know I long for Him – that I want nothing more than to know He is near! (Now, I’m not saying that He probably hasn’t rolled His eyes at me, or held His head in His hand while sighing heavily at me from time to time, but I know He’s not done with me.) He is with me wherever I go. Always present, always loving, and forever patient, even when I just need Him to turn the Light on for me…just to be sure.

Dear Father,

Thank you for being an amazing Dad. Thank you for never losing your temper with me, and for always answering when I call. Thank you for being patient enough to reassure me of Your love – every time I need it (because sometimes I’m pretty needy). Please help me to believe, even when it feels like I can’t.
I love you.
Amen

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