People ask me how I’m doing – how I’m “healing” – since I left my position three months ago. I want to be honest in my response, and most days I can say I’m doing well.
But on my hardest days, I feel like a failure.
That’s the lie that keeps knocking at my door.
Some days I’m strong enough to ignore the knocking, but there are days when I’ve lost my strength and I invite the lie in and we share a cup of coffee together. I hate those days – especially when the lie keeps me up at night, more than the caffeine from my java.
Those moments are like a double whammy for me. I feel like a failure because the lie tells me I am, and then I feel like a bigger failure for entertaining the lie – shaming myself because I know better.
When I’ve entertained the lie, I’m at my lowest point.
In these moments, I know where – or rather Who – to turn to find my strength, but when the lie has hold of me, it’s a lot harder to do so. Anything seems better than facing Jesus when I feel like I’ve let Him down. (Seriously, I’ve cleaned out every junk drawer in my house and color-coordinated the closets!)
But when I finally turn to Him, that’s when I find my strength – or rather, His strength.
And in His strength I find my peace.
Yesterday, I read this from Psalm 34:14, “…Search for peace, and work to maintain it,” (NLT). Search for peace. I often wait, rather impatiently, for peace to come to me. But sometimes, I have to look for it; and the searching is often more spiritual than physical – having more to do with the heart than the eyes.
And so, I turn to Jesus, and in that instant – that very moment my heart calls to Him – my peace is found.
Peace isn’t far from any of us, but we have to want to find it…or at least cry out for it – for Him.
When we do, the Prince of Peace answers.